The Unbelievable Antics of the Butt Bandit at the Antique Outlet Mall!
For real making me say what the actual what! Last week in Tex-as (yes, that’s how they say it), an antique outlet mall became the unlikely stage for a bizarre incident that left “multiple concerned citizens” reaching for their phones to dial the police. It turns out a man named Mitchell Vest was caught in the act of not-so-carefully selecting items from various vendors and, brace yourself, placing them in his rectum.
But wait, there’s more. The audacious act didn’t end there. Vest reportedly took his unconventional hobby to the next level by removing said items from his nether regions and casually putting them back on the store shelves. Classy, right?
Law enforcement swiftly intervened, identifying the culprit and issuing a warrant for Vest’s arrest. He was promptly taken into custody, facing a criminal mischief charge for his, um, creative antics. As for the items that had the misfortune of being part of Vest’s unique collection, they were wisely disposed of.
They say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, but let’s be clear: if it’s been in your pants, it’s no longer vintage—it’s just medically hazardous.
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