« Tech & Geek

The 5 must have items to survive your families Christmas party

by Dan Cash

This holiday season millions of Americans will be traveling to destinations around the globe to spend time with their families, rejoice in large feasts and above all else sit back and stare at the television in order to avoid mind numbing once-a-year conversations with relatives who aren’t sure if you are you or your younger sister Kelly. 

With that we believe it’s imperative to help you in your time of Christmas crisis!  So here’s our top 5 must have items to survive your family Christmas:

5.) A Top of the Line Blender 

Let’s face it adults are simply more fun when they are drinking during the holidays. Make yourself the center of attention by bringing a state-of-the-art blender to the party and standing in the kitchen making fun, mixed drinks for all to enjoy.  Important ingredients include any liquid that’s pink, (steer clear of Pepto Bismol) anything that looks or tastes like cotton candy and of course a pound of liquid chocolate. 

These ingredients coupled with the loud noise of the blender will ensure more interesting discussions followed by loud screeching, when the conversation goes sour and you shout “time for more drinks!”

4.) Knowledge of Technology 

We’ve all been in those situations where our parents or extended family feel the need to tell us about pointless moments in their life.  Moments like “your cousin is now a park ranger” or “can you believe Ronnie is going to Harvard?” and my continued favorite of Grandparents: “did you see that cans of beans are 25 cents off at the grocery store?”

In my experience there is an immediate way to destroy those types of conversations.  Simply begin discussing the latest app on your iPhone, a new computer video game or how to use SnapChat and the eyes of your beloved family member will glaze over, they will excuse themselves from the conversation and you can go back to drinking your blended drink.  (see above)

3.) SnapChat 

Nothing says ignoring my family like constantly SnapChatting pointless photos of your surroundings to your semi-friends around the continental United States and beyond.  That chair kind of looks funny…SnapChat!  I’m eating now so maybe I should draw an arrow pointing at my food and send it to a friend…SnapChat!  My Dad is still talking but he has a giant piece of food on his mouth…hmmm….SnapChat! 

You will go hours with your mind melted to not even consider your surroundings.  Hours of mindless SnapChats creating zero memories while forcing time to speed up and get you back home…where you can send more SnapChat’s! 

2.) QuizUp 

Sending random photos not enough to withdraw from family activities for 6 hours?  No worries!  They’ve now come out with QuizUp which allows you to take on random people in remote locations in quiz show type contests answering meaningless questions for the right to be crowned…winner of a one-on-one QuizUp competition with zero prizes!

It seems pointless and of course it is but how often do you get to bury your face in your phone while shunning your family?  See my point?  QuizUp it is!

1.) Fully charged iPhone, iPad, Android, Android tablet or laptop 

It’s number one on this list for a reason.  If there was ever something invented for the specific purpose of avoiding your family it’s a smartphone or a tablet device.  With a full charge you can accomplish items 2, 3 and 4 on this list while also watching full seasons of “The Walking Dead”, “Breaking Bad” or frankly anything else in the history of the world which is now available on the internet!  This is Christmas survival at its finest! 

So charge up that iPad, bring your phone in case the iPad battery dies half way through and for goodness sakes make sure you survive this family Christmas by mentally withdrawing from the entire day through advances in technology and drinking!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!